Disclaimer: The following is my experience, and mine only. I do not speak for all fat people, fat women, people with diabetes, adults who have survived adverse childhood experiences, etc. If you choose to extrapolate from my experience to anything beyond that, you are doing so at great risk to the truth. If you find something I've said resonates with you, feel free to say so.A long time ago, when I was a child with very little agency, I made myself a couple of promises.
One was that when I had control over what I ate, I would eat as much as I wanted/needed.
The other was that I would allow myself to be as fat as I wanted/needed to be.
Eating as much as I wanted or felt I needed was tied up with being fat, in my mind. Both were regarded as distasteful in my family. I distinctly recall as a young girl imagining being fatter than I was, having a larger tummy in particular, and that this was a defiant, but pleasant, thought. An exciting thought, actually.
I also wanted to be thinner, and thought that if I were thinner and prettier, slim, tall, in many ways not me, I would be beautiful and therefore protected. No one would tease me, call me names, threaten me on the way home from school, make my life hell. My father wouldn't drink and rage, or someone would rescue me from the awful life at school and home, as prince charming does the beautiful princess, if I were a beautiful girl, instead of the girl I saw when I looked in the mirror.
How did I reconcile these things? By the promise that I would, when I could, take care of myself. I would provide for myself -- financially, gastronomically, and by having as large a body as I wanted to.
Not everyone has the genetic endowment to gain weight easily, but I do. I don't just gain fat easily, I gain muscle fairly easily as well, and as long as I'm active, I do okay, fitness-wise. Some people might feel uncomfortable gaining weight, and sometimes I have, but other times, extra weight is simultaneously stressful and comforting. There is this sense of agency I feel being larger, that when I find myself getting smaller, (due to life changes or medication changes or even intentionally) I feel like I'm losing. Rationally, I know I'm still me, but in some way, I think it feels like that promise I made to myself long ago is being broken. I know that when I'm hungry and don't eat, I feel like I'm breaking that promise. And that's not a bad thing. Eating when hungry, is, you know, good. But what happens when I want to adjust things, experiment, see if I might tolerate a little hunger here and there to achieve some other goals?
Sometimes, before dance, I would rather not eat than have a full tummy in class. And when I tolerate hunger because dance is one of the very most fulfilling things in my life right now, and I eat when I get home, that doesn't feel like I'm breaking any promises because dance is so fun and fulfilling and freeing. But what if I decide I want to eat a little less at another time? Am I still beholden to that promise?
It's kind of amazing that being 40, I'm still under sway of these remnants from earlier in life. But as PhD Coachy likes to remind me, if I hadn't found a way through those tough times, I wouldn't be here today. I could have ended up on other paths for comfort and survival -- risky sexual behavior (almost did), drugs, drinking, other forms of self-harm that provide their own relief and comfort -- it's what humans (and other animals) do when faced with stressful situations. Thank god we are able to survive. That I find it hard to experiment with eating differently or eating less (yes, I know, that sounds like dieting, but I think what I'm talking about is finding the right amount for me, not the maximum amount I can eat just because I'm allowing myself to eat freely) isn't surprising at all.
I don't think I made myself fat. I would be fat (although perhaps less so) no matter what.
While there's nothing wrong with my particular fatness, per se, I have had health problems associated with it. Not necessarily caused by my fatness, but related to it. I don't think the answer is restrictive dieting, or weight loss surgery. I think for me, the best path is an exploration, of hunger and fullness, of desires fulfilled for things other than food (in addition to food). The rewriting of promises, the rewiring of my own desires. Not because it's better to be thin, or that I will find safety or become beautiful, or even healthy. Because I want to explore growing older with the greatest amount of vitality I can -- knowing that my physical abilities are not limitless. For me, there is a relationship between eating less and better control of my diabetes. I might eat less and not weigh less, but if I do eat less and weigh a bit less, is that a bad thing? If it feels bad because it feels like I'm violating that promise, but it feels better in other ways, how do I navigate that?
I'm not renouncing anything. I am not setting out to be anything other than fat, and if I'm slightly less fat, so be it.* I am grateful for all the resources, internal and external, that have carried me this far. I'm so grateful to my body/mind for it's strength, vitality, quirkiness, and that it has allowed me to fulfill those promises I made so long ago. While I definitely associate beauty with strength, I also see beauty in vulnerability and openness, and the possibility of connection with others. I'm trying to playfully, openly explore possibilities in the most self-loving way I can.
* One thing I'm exploring is trying to understand that if I'm not trying to be thin, but being slightly smaller would be both helpful and possible to maintain, is that a harmful goal?
Comments (3)
Thank you very much for this post. I have almost the exact same recollection. I am so glad that I just found out that I am not the only one with this memory.
@Catgal6 - Nice to know someone else had this experience!
I might eat less and not weigh less, but if I do eat less and weigh a bit less, is that a bad thing? If it feels bad because it feels like I'm violating that promise, but it feels better in other ways, how do I navigate that?
My .02: I personally would hardly even notice if someone was doing that if they didn't tell me they were doing it on purpose. I might be concerned if I was around them a lot and they never seemed to eat anything, but other than that, I'm not gonna question it if they leave over half their fries, or whatever. I probably also wouldn't notice a relatively minor weight loss (10% or less) in most people unless they were very thin to begin with.
Besides, I think this is still HAES. You are eating in a way that helps you control your blood sugar. Blood sugar control is such an individual thing; if you know that eating a certain way has that effect on you and is not harmful to you in any other way, who is anyone else to question you?